Govenor Pat Ayaki, of Former New York, has appeared three times on the All News Dream to detail conversations he has had with Jesus Christ on the subject of capital punishment. Below are transcripts of the interviews with the govenor, which were conducted by AND anchor Max Hernphenffer.
February 27, 1995..........Make A Clean Break
October 25, 1995...........The Right Chemistry
September 19, 1995..........Setting A Good Example
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February 27, 1995..........Make A Clean Break
Max Hernphenffer: Govenor Pat Ayaki, at a press conference yesterday, you told reporters that Jesus had appeared to you in the Billiard Room at the Govenors Mansion and that you took this opportunity to question him about the morality of capital punishment. Just what did Jesus have to say?
Gov. Ayaki: First, Max, I want to thank you for having me here to share this important message with your audience. Clearly anything Jesus had to say on the subject, he had to know I was going to go on tv and ... ah ...
Max Hernphenffer: Talk about it?
Gov. Ayaki: Talk about it, yes. It's not like it should be like some big secret between two leaders or anything.
Max Hernphenffer: So, what did he say?
Gov. Ayaki: Say? Oh, yes, about capital punishment. He basically said that anyone with half a brain could see that, when one considers how many zillions of humans God has created ... ah, since the Beginning and all, how bad could it be - offing a bunch of murderers and the occasional wrongly-accused doofus?
Max Hernphenffer: Those were his words?
Gov. Ayaki: More or less. As I recall, he specifically said, "Those police chiefs who say capital punishment isn't a deterrent, don't know sushi from shinola, 'cause that guy it's used on ain't coming back, especially if you take his head off." It turns out that Jesus thinks electrocution is really gruesome, and that lethal injections cost too much and are bad for the doctor/patient relationship thing. But he thinks beheading has a lot going for it.
Max Hernphenffer: He thinks it's a good idea?
Gov. Ayaki: Yeah, he counted off, on his fingers, five reasons why. "Think about it," Jesus said. "It is quick, the technology is do-able, it is cheap, and it is effective."
Max Hernphenffer: So that's it then? Jesus supports your views on the need for capital punishment?
Gov. Ayaki: It would seem so. Personally, I think beheading is a little too, shall we say, "Old Testament" for my taste. But, if Jesus is for it, I believe we should be willing to go along with him on this one.
October 25, 1995..........The Right Chemistry
Max Hernphenffer: Govenor Pat Ayaki of Former New York ... ah, that's the area from Tomahannoc, above Albany, all the way down to the Rye Amusement Park ...
Gov. Ayaki: Correction: all the way into the better areas of the Bronx.
Max Hernphenffer: Well, your southern neighbor, Newnew York Citystate, has a different opinion about that, but we will leave that for another time. Govenor, welcome to the All News Dream.
Gov. Ayaki: Thank you Max, it is a pleasure to be here with you and your audience once again.
Max Hernphenffer: So, tell us: Jesus reappeared in the Billiard Room again? Last week, was it?
Gov. Ayaki: Yes and no. Actually, no and yes. This time he manifested in the Billiard Room "annex," which is where we keep the extra balls, cue sticks, and those little cube things you rub the sticks on. But you are right that the manifestation took place last week. Yes.
Max Hernphenffer: And you discussed capital punishment again? Doesn't he talk about anything else?
Gov. Ayaki: Well, I might have mentioned to him that some people are of the opinion that he's pulled a kind of switcheroo ... you know, because of the forgiveness thing and all. Maybe that got him started. He seemed pretty ticked off about it. He stamped his foot even, and said,"Geeze Louise, nothing is etched in stone. Don't they know that?" And he said something about how he's had two thousand years to think it over. I think that's what he said. Sometimes it's hard to tell, what with his yiddish accent on top of these complex metaphysical ideas. Sometimes my mind has to race to keep up with him.
Max Hernphenffer: So he seemed disturbed about the public reaction to his latest pronouncements?
Gov. Ayaki: I think he's feeling a little stressed by the rigors of appearing and disappearing. Jesus said it's not all that easy to do. "You don't just snap your fingers," I think was the way he put it. Anyway, he says he isn't necessarily for capital punishment, but he's leaning toward it. "You have to keep your options open," is what he said.
Max Hernphenffer: Leaning toward capital punishment? What about forgiveness? You know - forgiving your enemy?
Gov. Ayaki: About that he said, if I remember right, "You don't want to get carried away with forgiveness. You don't want to become an extremeist or anything." He said something about being misquoted by one of the apostles who owed a bunch of money to someone. And he said that thing about turning the other cheek was really put out as a tactic. It's supposed to throw the other guy off guard so you can deck him while he's scratching his head. He said you have to use some street smarts with some of these totally evil dudes.
Max Hernphenffer: Well, that does make him look like a different Jesus.
Gov. Ayaki: Oh, he's the same guy. A lot of folks have just misunderstood him. I kind of knew he'd be tougher than we thought, if we ever got to meet him and look him in the eye.
Max Hernphenffer: And of course, you have ... and, because of that, should know him better than most.
Gov. Ayaki: Yeah. And remember that woman who was going to get stoned for adultery? Turns out she was a sister of one of his buddies. He said they were some family - none of them too bright, but they liked to have a good time. He liked that about them. So, Jesus says that back then foolin' around with a married guy was a capital offense but he doesn't think it should be these days. "You'd have to off half the population," he said, "if it was."
Max Hernphenffer: What offenses does Jesus believe are stoneable now?
Gov. Ayaki: He is not partial to stoning, says it's unbelievably messy. "Though, in the positive column," he said, "it does give the man-in-the-street a feeling of connectiveness, when he gets a chance to participate. And it's kind of good for the relatives of victims if they can get to chuck a rock or two. It gives them a sense of closure. But it's just too messy."
Max Hernphenffer: What about crucifixion? Is that a possibility?
Gov. Ayaki: Forget it. He doesn't even like the word, doesn't want to talk about it. I think he's coming around to the chemical approach though.
Max Hernphenffer: You mean chemically-assisted existence cancellation?
Gov. Ayaki: Well, I've always been partial to the term "chemical croaking" myself. Yeah, he said that if they could have gotten their hands on the guy who adulterated with his friend's scatter-brained sister, he might have gone for a little state-sponsored drip back then.
Max Hernphenffer: Thanks to you Govenor, Jesus' latest views seem to have sparked a new upward growth curve for Christianity hereabouts. Perhaps this new user-friendly religious approach fills a void for Christian-type folks who have been experiencing some difficulty dealing with an antiquated and unneccesarily restrictive ... ah, vengence-deficient religious world-view.
Gov. Ayaki: I'm just glad to be able to do my part to put our religion back on an even keel ... and, of course, to help JC out in any way I can.
September 19, 1995..........Setting A Good Example
Max Hernphenffer: We have with us once again the govenor of Former New York, Pat Ayaki. Thank you for being here, Mr. Govenor.
Gov. Ayaki: Thank you for having me.
Max Hernphenffer: Govenor, we've been told that Jesus appeared to you again and you had another conversation with him. Is that true?
Gov. Ayaki: Yes, well at least I"m pretty sure it was him. See, this time he showed up in the Nixon Foyer, in the state Capitol building, and ... well, it was strange because he took on a vaguely Nixonesque appearance ... like he was two great men in one.
Max Hernphenffer: That would certainly add a new twist to the Trinity idea, to be sure. I wonder if he is going through some sort of identity crisis.
Gov. Ayaki: God only knows what all this coming and going in and out of the physical world is doing to him! He told me, "The last time I went brogan through the carpet sideways."
Max Hernphenffer: What did he mean by that?
Gov. Ayaki: I haven't a clue, but I've got a couple of smart state legislators thinkin' it over.
Max Hernphenffer: Did the subject of the death penalty come up again?
Gov. Ayaki: You bet! He's really concerned that, if after all he's had to say lately, we should end up croaking an innocent dude ... it could toss a monkey wrench into an otherwise smooth-running operation, and also, his reputation could be in the toilet, if you know what I mean and can pardon my French while you are at it.
Max Hernphenffer: So Jesus is showing some real compassion here?
Gov. Ayaki: Whatever. Anyway, he wants funds allocated for the developement of a Chemically-assisted Existence Cancellation Device that is not only not intimidating or offensive to tv viewers, but one with some kind of new-fangled sensors that would be capable of monitioring the croakee's brain during cancellation ... so that we could view the guy's life as it flashes by , to make sure we got the right guy.
Max Hernphenffer: What's the point?
Gov. Ayaki: Jesus just thinks it's the decent thing to do. In the unlikely event it turned out we poisoned ... ah ... ah, I hate to say this but, an "innocent" citizen ... well, at least we could offer a public apology, and maybe name a street or a small park after him. I think I could stand behind that. It sets the right tone. After all, mistakes do happen. We, in government, are human too. We should never forget that.
Max Hernphenffer: Is that the extent of his compassion?
Gov. Ayaki: No, Jesus thinks certain murderers should be exempt: toxic polluters that are responsible for cancers and such, for one. It's too hard to prove who's guilty, especially if they are filthy rich and have good lawyers. Also, he says hit men, who turn state's evidence against their bosses, should get off ... except those who have killed 12 people. It's some kind of esoteric, metaphysical thing. He tried to explain it, but it was all Greek to me. Also, he said that white people who kill white people ... that's kind of a gray area, but he says that black guys that kill white people - that's got to stop. I don't know what his reasoning is there either, but it fits our current priorities, and, after all, he is Jesus.
Max Hernphenffer: Or Nixon?
Gov. Ayaki: No, once he got rolling, I could see that he was the real McCoy ... or McJesus, if you will. (laughter) You could tell by his moral concerns. Like, he's particularly concerned about the fate of children who may be sent to the gallows.
Max Hernphenffer: How so?
Gov. Ayaki: He said maybe we should institute a study to find out if it is a good thing or not, that the United States, along with Iran, Iraq, Nigeria, Pakistan, and Bangladesh, still executes children under 18.
Max Hernphenffer: What do you think?
Gov. Ayaki: About what?